Apex Predators: the dangers of dating mature females

Life is hard, there is no doubt about it. And unsurprisingly it doesn’t necessarily get easier the more you do of it. Getting older can be no fun at times. For those of you who are having trouble with dating at the earlier stage of your life, believe me — it can be much more difficult at the other end of life! Totally different pitfalls, equally as frustrating situations, and that’s not even getting into the saucier aspects of dating.

So learning to cope with keeping oneself attractive enough to continue being enchanting beyond coffee and buns can be quite tricky.

This article gives an insight into understanding the role of the predatory older female, frequently but somewhat mistakenly known as “cougars”.

It is true that a cougar is close to the top of the apex predator pile, being a sister to the fluffy yet deadly Snow Leopard, but the cougar is a sophisticated sub-breed of the genre. Sleek and homicidal, yes. But all our Apex Predators certainly have the latter in common. And look how beloved we are of them all, those killer beasties.

Golden Eagle

• The golden eagle a large bird of prey, fully grown they can measure 26–40 inches in length and up to 7 kg in weight. With its broad wings, the golden eagle can also make quick dives from great heights, during which they can reach speeds up to 200 mph; they have excellent eyesight and can spot even a small prey from the great height. They make use of sharp talons to snatch up their prey.

Pay attention, it said “astonishing speed” and it would serve you well to remember this. Whether the astonishing speed is that with which you fall in love with your Golden Eagle’s sharp observations, whether its her ability to remember everything on the map having only glanced once at it, or the seemingly docile mention of your underpants being left on her bedroom floor, this translates into just how closely she is watching you At All Times. While she may seem to be chatting to her friend Susan, the Golden Eagle in fact is still watching you, and will swoop very fast and nip your eye out if you so much as move a muscle towards another woman. If you must dabble, do it when she is at the nail bar on Saturday mornings.

Snow Leopard

• The beautiful snow leopards are known for their beautiful thick, gray hair. In a single leap, they can cover a distance of 15 meters. Snow leopards are solitary animals, which means they come together only during mating season. They mostly become active at dawn and dusk.

The snow leopard revels in her lush grey hair. She spends a lot of money on it, too, so you had best be sure that your wallet is deep and thickly filled with readies. The snow leopard exists mostly on champagne and canapes and is extremely entertaining, being skilled in the art of cocktail party flirting. Snow leopards are still fairly rare, because of the confidence required to pull off the grey hair. But they are growing in confidence and number, so you had best be wary, lest they start hunting in prides (see “Lion”, below). Snow leopards prefer dusk for hunting because it’s a more flattering light. Their activity at dawn is usually related to repairing their make-up before you notice.

Great White Sharks

• The most deadly sea creature. Most shark attacks reported around the world have been linked to great white sharks, which are the largest predatory fish on Earth. In hunting, great white sharks use their acute sense of smell to spot the prey. They also have a special organ which can detect the electromagnetic field generated by the animals. With a powerful tail, the great white shark can hit a top speed of 15 miles per hour which aids in hunting.
• Some theories have been suggested that the attack on humans by great white sharks are actual ‘test biting’. It is said to be the sharks will release the human body after confirming it is not a good food for them. But bites can be fatal due to the blood loss.

Test biting. It really is your worst nightmare. You think she’s into you, you’re convinced of it, because after all what woman who wasn’t in love would give a blow job like that? But in fact, she’s had a taste and she doesn’t like it. Few escape the great white, and those that do usually bear the scars or have bits missing. Check all your extremities before you leave the bedroom. Whilst extremely dangerous in open water, the great white shark can be calmed considerably by placing in a bubbling tub full of rose petals and splashing her gently with scented bubbles.

Saltwater Crocodile

• The saltwater crocodile is the largest of all living reptiles in the world, between 3–5 metres in length. Saltwater crocodiles inhabit rivers, lakes, marshes and swamps. They are strong swimmers and can cover a long distance in oceans and rivers. Their webbed feet and long tail aid in swimming. They lurk beneath the water surface at the edges of lakes and rivers. When the prey comes near, they will make a sudden attack with their long powerful jaws.

Do not underestimate the Saltwater Croc as being slow or ugly. She has a certain Neanderthal charm which will disarm you and you will find yourself warily fascinated until she suddenly strikes and you find yourself in her jaws. The Saltwater Crocodile is mostly muscle, and you will never escape, even if you struggle whilst you rot to death. Natural habitat is the side of swimming pools, but often found in the water under a large straw hat. Stay observant and step back to save yourself. Favours three-bird roasts, thai green curries or anything that can be enjoyed with a white Beaujolais. Extremely partial to toffees which could be her downfall and your saving ploy: if you are to escape with all your parts intact, ensure that the toffee you offer her is sturdy enough to keep her jaws employed long enough that they don’t have time to snap you up.

Polar Bear

• Polar bears are the largest terrestrial carnivore on Earth. They are found in Islands, huge icebergs and sea in the Arctic circle. Polar bears are strong swimmers. With the help of powerful paws, they cover many miles in very cold Arctic sea. In fact, polar bears spend the majority of their lifetime in the sea.

You think you’re going to have an argument with the Polar Bear, but she will manage one devastatingly cutting thing, a single slash of her huge paw (gauntlets, possibly Gaultier) and you will fall to the floor, destroyed. If you can patch yourself up after this experienced predator has sliced and diced you, then the best you can do is keep her sweet with sushi, and strawberries in condensed milk. Do not come between a polar bear and her cubs, or you will find yourself sleeping out in the leaky back porch.

Lions

• The magnificent lion is found in savannas, grasslands and woodlands. An adult male lion has unique thick brown colored hair encircling the head. Lions are the only social animal in the Felidae group (family of cats). They live in a group called ‘prides’. A lion pride can have about 10–45 members. Cooperative hunting is another characteristic of lions.

Lionesses *are* the sisterhood. They’ve sussed you as soon as you have walked in the room. One of them will have instantly designated herself as the one to bring you down, and the others acknowledge her and dutifully assist her in her efforts. Lesser beasts than you and your snorting hoof-stamping rugby-song braying wildebeest friends have fallen prey to a pride of lionesses. Leave your heart with the hat-check girl. If the lead lioness doesn’t rip it out and eat it, she will leave it for one of her girlfriends to eat instead. Fond of Bloody Marys with raw eggs, will wipe her mouth on your sleeve: a tricky stain to explain to a rolling-pin wielding wife at 3.30 am.

The Komodo Dragon

• The Komodo dragon is the largest living lizard on Earth. The saliva of Komodo dragons contains toxic bacteria. So, even an escapee from the jaws of the Komodo dragon will die within 24 hours due to blood poisoning.

The human equivalent of the Komodo Dragon is the Elder Goth. It’s not that she is slow or looks dusty or heavy, it is that she is silently “building an atmosphere” which will mesmerise you and stop you in your tracks until she reaches you. The Komodo Dragon may be extremely eccentric. But her charm is the killer variety, dark and silent, possibly occasionally vitriolic — but she WILL catch you eventually. You really are a hapless prey and you are about to be sacrificed on the altar of passion. Enjoy your sweetly poisoned but slow and painful death.

Tigers

• Tigers are definitely among the most beautiful animals on Earth. Their beautiful fur comes in different color variations including orange, brown, gray or snowy color with black stripes. Tigers are solitary predators and hunt mostly at night. Tigers have excellent night vision which help them while nocturnal hunting. Their diet includes wild pigs, deer, water buffalo, monkeys, hares, and crocodiles.

It is interesting that the tiger is designated as a predator of the crocodile. An interesting row would certainly ensue. If you find your human tiger in combat with a human crocodile, simply place both in a swimming pool filled with custard and let them fight it out to the death. But beware! The winner will not be exhausted and will still deal triumphantly with you before she goes to sleep. Human tigers can be placated with chunks of roast beef slathered in horseradish, and cigar smoke. Cohiba for preference.

Killer Whales

• The killer whale (or “orca”) is the largest member of the dolphin family, up to 7–9 metres in length. Orcas are extremely social and live in groups. Orcas are one of the smartest living mammals on Earth. Individual orca groups have been known to use a special type of communication and hunting technique. Such techniques are passed across generations.

The Orca is such a social animal, isn’t she!? She can be found in groups of her family, communicating loudly in bars and restaurants in a high pitched shriek, often swaying between tables splashing prosecco on all and sundry to keep them moistly lubricated. All Apex Predator human females have orca genes. They are sharp, intelligent, social and pass down information to their later generations. It’s a nurturing thing.

This is why you can never win. Regardless of age, men are doomed.

Apex Predator women *are* the ultimate race. Its why they are called man-eaters, dear.